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Phillip Aubin (Swear Like a Sailor Edition)

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A distant crack is heard, quickly followed by a sickening crunching sound. Here we find our survivor finishing up a tangle with one of the unholy cretins shambling around and groaning like a man with a bad hangover. He’d have a rather large and muscular build, what was exposed of his hands were heavily calloused. “Hmph, fuckers seem to never give up until you hack em’ in the head.” he’d mumble to himself in a gruff and raspy as hell voice, his eyes shifting up to you. An unsettling silence would follow before he’d finally speak, “You mute or somethin’? . . . What’s that? My story?” he’d continue, a brow raised on what was visible of his features. He’d thunk his hatchet into the nearest tree and lean into it, “Okay then, have a seat there princess and buckle the fuck up, cause it’s gonna get real salty up in here!”

He’d rub the scarf that covered a large majority of his face, “I’m not one to talk much, but just this once, I’ll give ya’ a story. You better listen cause you’re only gettin’ this once. afterwards, scram, or you’re ending up like Scotty scramble-Brains over there, capeesh?!” After you nod, he stares ahead of himself. “Alright, I’ll start at how childhood was. To say the least it was. . . Ehh, alright. Dad was some geologist explorer bullshit and taught me anything I needed to know about the great outdoors. Unfortunately, these shaky motherfuckers weren’t something he really taught me about. And mom did some business accounting shit, didn’t really go with her much cause her boss was an asshole, wouldn’t be surprised if he was boning her.” he’d say, taking a deep breath.

“Then dad goes off and fucking dies, plane went boom, to be honest, I’d want to go out in a ball of fire too, likely being the source of a boom. go figure eh? Anyshit, mom goes into depression and fucking offs herself, so there the fuck I am all alone and shit at 17. So I go to my Aunt’s, graduate, and get my ass out alone, watching the economy since our stripes and stars are balls-deep in debt with China up our ass in IOU’s. So I start building this bunker out in the middle of buttfuck nowhere because I know shit is going to go down.” he’d explain, you’d try to retort, but he’d point at you, “Shut your cock holster.”

He’d then continue, “So, years go by as I build and load the bitch up with anything I can to have an easy start and work my way up to Rick Flare Nature-Boy. So years go by, and suddenly the economy drops harder than a Skrillex track, so I’m like’ Shit’s going down bro!’ So I load my shit up and disappear out innawoods before. . . This. . . Happens. So! Years pass, hunting animals and running around naked in the summers and working on a sweet-ass tan. Hey, don’t look at me like that, it was hot as balls. Dick. Anyways, after about oh. . . Fuck if I know, what day and year is it?” he’d furrow his brow when you tell him the date, “Well fuck me, did Grand Theft Auto IV ever release on PC?”

After some weird looks he’d hiss and continue, “So, all that time goes by and I eventually see the first human being in a long time though the scope of my hunting rifle, fucker was all bloody and shit. Looked like he was drunk and got the aftermath of the bouncers of some prestigious club. But he’s fuck knows how deep in the woods. So I approach this fucker to help him out and he fucking tries to eat me! I had to fuckin’ shoot the cunt! So then the fucking lynch mob of his buddies pop up and I run back to HQ, they keep coming through the front door and I’m popping off shells like Jizzy Jay. So now I’m out a of fucking bullets, I scrounge what I can and beat it outta there harder than Micheal J.” he’d explain, exhaling deeply, then finally looking to you.

“So here the fuck I am after running away from the fuckers. My mouth is dry from talking, give me your water for making me talk too fucking much.” he’d grunt, snatching the offered bottle from your hand and gulp pit down, tossing the empty bottle back at you. He’d retreat back to the tree and pull his hatchet from the tree after some struggling. Damn things. After pulling the hatchet he’d fall on his ass, cursing like the asshole he seemingly was. “Now get lost, or I’ll gouge ya!” he’d yell, yourself making a hasty retreat and leaving the jolly green giant to himself.

( Copied and Pasted from the old forums before they were decommissioned )

December 31, 2014 at 3:25 am
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