October 26th, 2016.
I miss him. I do. Terribly. I just don’t understand. I want him and Lina to be okay more than anything in the whole entire world. I love him. I love her. I’d die for them. I’d die for them a thousand times over. But him… I don’t know. I pray they’re okay. I pray he’s happy. I pray he’s alive. I pray he’s safe. I never pray. I never prayed before this. When… I got taken… I started to pray then. I prayed they would kill me. After each beating. Each rape. Each scar left on me. I’m just blessed they had enough sense to use a condom. No baby. No pregnancy. No STDs.
I miss him so much. I miss our conversations. I miss the night we walked home from the Dollhouse Costume Party and I was pissed at him because he was flirting with some guy but he ended up in my bed. Kissing me. I still regret that the one time we got ‘intimate’ it was awkward and bad… I should’ve been more vocal… I always am but he intimidated, no… intimidates me. I was scared. I’m not scared anymore. I just want him back. I want to love him proper. I remember that last night… before I left… I bent down, just to give him a quick kiss. But he grabbed me before I could turn away. And he put his hands in my hair. And he really kissed me. I love him. I miss him. I want him here.
I hope I can love like that again someday. I hope I can love him like that again someday. I just want to see him… even if it was for one last time….
I love him. But I’m so angry. And bitter. With him and Lina. They never came looking… They never went through my journal. They never bothered to read and see where I was going or what I was doing or if I was safe. No one went through my things. No one came after me. No one searched for me. These nightmares I have…. I’m so angry. I’m so upset. I wish they would’ve looked… Why didn’t they look? No one looked for me. I was right under their noses. Everything about me was right under their noses. The journal entries. The writings. The lies. The truths. It was ALL under their noses. Right in front of them. Yet they were all so blind. How does one react when everyone they depended on leaves them for dead?
Maybe I should not have pushed them away like I did before I left. It breaks my heart. All of it does. Truly. I feel so pained. I wish they would’ve done something. I wish I could’ve done something. I wish somebody… anybody… would’ve done anything… Even if it was just to kill me during that time… So I didn’t have to suffer… I’d have been so grateful. Too late for that now.
The damage is done. Now all I can do is focusing on healing. Healing physically. Healing mentally. Healing my heart. Healing everything, in the hopes that maybe one day things can go back to the way they used to be.
Please. Please let things go back to the way they used to be.
Love, Jasmine Jordana Bloom.5