Dear journal… why do people write dear journal? It’s always struck me as strange to address an inanimate object. I guess maybe it puts people in some sort of headspace to write. Anyway, I don’t even know what I wrote in here last time. Things got really crazy there for a while, and now is the first time I’ve sat down to try to let my brain catch up with everything.
So what happened? I don’t know. I can’t tell if I’m coming or going any more. Not really sure what’s happening with the family. Cas and Amber seem to have permanently parted ways. The last time I saw Donovan he was getting shot at, again, and then he was in the hospital. Turns out we had the same blood type, and they used me for a blood transfusion for him. It wasn’t awful. I didn’t feel super great that night, but when it comes to life or death for someone I care about, I’ll always take those risks.
Thing is… the next day when I went to see him to see how he was holding up, I didn’t even get a ‘Hello Kitty’ like usual. I’d spent about an hour that day hunting for something to bring him, and being that I can’t exactly go to a fucking Hallmark store these days, I searched all over for the perfect dandelion. Yeah, stupid I guess, it’s a fucking weed. But it was the brightest, fullest, happiest stupid weed I’d seen. What’d he do when I tried to give it to him? He stared at it like it disgusted him and waved it off, then proceeded to say he was checking out and that he wanted to be discharged.
Talk about crushed. I mean, okay, it was a weed. I get that it wasn’t some extravagent rose or something, but it was from the heart. I got it -for- him, with him in mind, and he just waved it off. I probably shouldn’t be making such a big deal about a flower that dies and then turns into something magical that people make wishes on, right? Thing is, it wasn’t about the dandelion, it was about the time spent with him in mind, searching for that happy, bright, full little yellow flower to bring a little sunshine to a bleak, shitty ass situation, and then having it disregarded so easily. I left the hospital feeling like someone stabbed me and twisted a knife in my heart, and that flower was dropped and left behind for someone to step on for all I know. Didn’t matter anyway.
I haven’t seen him since. I admit, the next day I didn’t exactly go out of my way to visit the house. Not after that, and he didn’t come to Coach’s. I get it. He needed to rest. But after that I did go to the Dollhouse to try to see him a couple times, and still haven’t run into him. I’ve seen Lyon. I’ve seen Jade… although I’m not sure where things stand with her. We had this thing, and then after the whole Amber bit where she saw the walking corpse of her friend, things just never got back to what they were. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just can’t handle not knowing who she’s going to be on any given day. It’s hard enough to deal with people who are going to be the same person, let alone dealing with someone who’s a pinata with a surprise inside.
But hey, if I ever understood the phrase “What goes up, must come down” it’s now. I was terrified of Donovan after shooting Raevan in the knee to get she and Don away from Marcus that day. Then things happened, and that terror turned into something I didn’t expect. I suddenly inherited a ‘family’. I didn’t feel like it was just Cas and I against the world any more. But adding new people to things is never just a bed of roses. There are thorns too. There are disagreements, hurt feelings, uncertainty. I’ve had no shortage of any of the three lately, whether it’s all be internalized, or externalized. Maybe it’s just me, but things don’t feel the same since that guy came in shooting up the Dollhouse.
Maybe it’s better this way? I don’t know. They all had such a tight knit thing going on before I came along. Guess I’m feeling like I don’t actually belong, right now. Probably still butthurt about that fucking dandelion. Cas went and played hero to some chick that nearly passed out in the bar one night though, and she and her friend have become an addition to our modest little motel room. I like them. They’re pretty down to earth, and from what I can tell neither of them come with any baggage. Cas seems happy. That’s all that matters to me. And me? Well… I’m getting there.
Oh. I got a shotgun. Goal one on the island accomplished. Also got some hella good weed from that Sour Diesel place. That woman grows some good stuff, and it’s keeping my head in the clouds enough for me not to focus too much on anything but the damn rainbows my world should be made out of. Between moonshine and weed, rainclouds can move the fuck over.5