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Dead Alive

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I try… I really try. Everyday. I totally try my hardest. I try to forget. I really really do. But at night, when I’m in my hiding place, when it’s all dark, when I’m all alone. I can’t pretend any more. I fall asleep crying and I wake up crying. Or is that just in the nightmares?

It should be making sense. It really should. As much as anything makes sense now. Coz like Anna turned up and she gave me a job too. So yay… I guess… right? And the people here, I keep on expecting bad stuff, but they really do seem like actually genuinely nice, and that’s good, right? I mean, the way they just give you stuff, it feels kinda weird. I dunno, maybe it’s just like I’m not used to it. And it’s like a, I dunno, stable place? And that’s a good thing too, right? So why am I feeling all majorly down and stuff?

It’s like, oh, I dunno, maybe like when everything’s supposed to be all good, you know, like on paper everything makes sense, but actually, it doesn’t add up at all, coz there’s something missing and you totally can’t put your finger on it. I dunno, I’m thinking that maybe it’s coz I’ve got too much time to think. And I’m pretty sure that thinking’s bad, coz it’s like remembering, and that’s totally not good. There’s only like bad stuff if you go there. But it’s so difficult… I try, I really do try.

It was so much easier when he was around. It’s weird right, the way I guess I must miss him, when you think about it. But I guess stuff was easier then, with him, maybe? I dunno… Anyways, whatever, candle’s about to go out.