(written in a small, black leather book with a good amount of pages torn out by the previous owner. The cover is worn and had seen some use)

26 January, 2015

0900 Hours

I never wanted to write in this thing, but the base shrink told me that it would help me deal with some of the PTSD.  Since the original version of you is gone, and God help the poor sumbitch who finds -that – and thinks it’s Twilight, I managed to find a replacement. It’s not brand new , but hey, I’ll just think of it like it’s not your first rodeo, buddy, and we’ll be fine.

So , here we go.

Feelings, feelings, feelings. Right.

When I came to Arklay it was to look for Em. My twin sister. We aren’t identical twins. Kinda obvious since she doesn’t have a penis and I play with mine quite often. Twins just the same. We’ve been inseperable our entire lives, she is the other half of me. She understands me better than anyone , I think, until now. As Lannister as this sounds, and I assure you it’s not like that , I had a lot of failed relationships because I set the bar high. I had my focus on Em. To me there wasn’t another woman out there that could possibly compare to her, she is an extension of myself, my best friend, my confidant. Without the other, we are nothing, So, this let me to various empty encounters, one night stands, nights of animal sex and promises to call when I never did. I didn’t care about anyone but myself, and Emilia. Yeah, I was a horrible human being. Anyway, shortly after arriving in Arklay I ate, or rather drank, my words. There I met a spunky little blond named Gensa. She wasn’t my usual type. She was tatted up, peirced, but I found her utterly beautiful and fascinating. We clicked immediately. She got all my stupid jokes, my sense of humor. I felt like I could tell her anything. I felt like I could, but there are some things that are better left untalked about. She reminded me a lot of Em and at first it scared me. I freely admit that I wondered if there was something deeply and truly wrong with me that I was attracted to a woman that reminded me of my sister. It had me thinking that maybe I did have a sister complex after all. Was I losing my mind? No, I was not losing my mind. I was finding something. It wasn’t because it was that she was so similar to Em. It was because that connection was there. The feeling that the other person just gets you, without you having to make much effort to explain yourself at all. That you can just be comfortable and be yourself. That you can open up to and let your skeletons dance with theirs.

The world was falling apart and I had my own angel to share it with. With her, each peice of rubble might as well have been pavers of gold. She makes the world go away. I know, in my heart, I want her to be safe. If I had to die for her I’d do it without hesitation. Holy shit, that sounded creepy as fuck. Heh. My point is, I want to protect her from this world, but I also know she’s capable of taking care of herself. Guess it’s that guy urge. One of them anyway. I slept at her house last night and before I fell asleeep we talked about the state of Arklay and the fact that things wouldn’t last forever. I have to believe that we can persevere.  I have to believe that we can survie and adapt and thrive.

I’m a doctor at the hospital. Dr. Eric Vincent, as opposed to Staff Sergeant Vincent. Big change. Who knew this was the way i’d get thrown back into civilian life? I got asked yesterday if I liked being a doctor. I do like it. I like helping people, fixing them, getting them combat ready.  That -is- what I’m doing right? Getting them combat ready?

Who would have thought that there would be zombies roaming the streets right? Walkers , geeks, biters, Zeds, Zombies,  Shittles. There are more and more of them. More attacks, more infections.  I had never seen a person stage 4 of the infection until recently. It was an old man, looked like he may have been homeless. Got his nutsack torn open by one. He lay there screaming, talking trash like someone who wanted to get their ass kicked in a bar, while one of those things got halfway through the barricade and chewed on his leg. I killed it, wasn’t the first one that I’ve killed and I doubt it would be the last. There is always a moral dilemma in dispatching them. Are they still people? What if they can be cured? The logical answer is, they aren’t human anymore. They’re dead. Even if there was a cure they would be too braindead to benefit from it, even if it could be reversed. It’s for the greater good, thats what I told myself. Each one of those that is disposed of ensures that the people left behind have a better chance at survival. That was how I looked at it. Seeing a person who had not yet turned was a different story. They were still human, still a person desperately clinging to life that they knew was over. And here I was, a doctor, unable to save them.  The soldier in me wanted to end his life quickly, to ensure that others would live. The dcoctor in me was torn. This man wasn’t yet one of those monsters roaming around chewing on people. In the end, I had to do it. Gen was there, I really didn’t want her to be, but I knew I couldn’t stop her. I didn’t want her to witness it because of the things she had to do that were probably far harder than what I was doing. She’s stronger than she gives herself credit for and it was her strength that guided my hand. I don’t know if she will ever realize it. The one that was chewing on this guys leg was easier to kill, it was pinned down by the barricade and the skull was decomposing. Drving a Glock survival knife into it’s skull wasn’t hard. The old man though? It took a lot of strength to get that knife in and fortunately , as a doctor, I knew where the weakest points in the skull were. Nothing about it was easy, I know it wasn’t easy for Gen to witness but she was there for me. I understood her stubborness. The need for me to protect her had to find compromise with the fact that she is her own person, she’s my partner, we are in this together.

I wanted her to become a nurse so I could keep her close.  She was attacked once when I wasn’t around and now I think about that when she’s not with me. Selfish, yeah, I know. She keeps arguing that she doesnt know enough to be a nurse. There are nurses here who make the patients comfortable and keep things clean, or assist doctors.  I won’t force the subject though, if it’s not who she is then it isn’t who she is. Sometimes I think she can’t see herself past being a bartender. But what we were before doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is who we will be from now on. She is the most amazing person and I hope one day she realizes it.

I’m falling for her, so hard that I am afraid of the impact.