My Dear Diary

I have not written in quite a long time now and so very much as happened. The reason for my long silence is this: There is something I want to write. Need to write. Mark said I needed to talk about certain things to get better and I know he is right. Talking however is difficult so I thought I could write them, but every time I have sat to try I cannot.

So. Here I am with none of the so much important things to write and instead I will just try to summarize where I am. Macy and Thayer both told me I should not push it. I should not get so frustrated with myself for not making the progress I want as quickly as I would like. And they are right. So … instead of sitting to try and write the things I cannot either speak or write, I will write the things I can.

Since my last writing I have gotten a lot better. Mark helped and helped me so much. He didn’t give up on me even when I struggled and finally I got discharged from the hospital. I expect that I still have a very long way to go. I still don’t eat as much as I should likely, but it is a heck of a lot better then I used to. I am gaining a little weight though I still get tired easy and my legs and arms ache when I do too much, even normal things that I suppose shouldn’t make me tired.

But still, things have been going very very well.

Mark is such a nice person to me. The other night he got me to laugh so hard that I almost couldn’t stop for a bit. I haven’t laughed that hard in … a very very long time. Probably since before the Outbreak.

Then a night or so after that he took me around on his wheels and showed me a lot of the town. I didn’t tell him that I had walked by or even in many of the places. Perhaps that was silly. But I really did like having him show me and I feel very much safer when he is around.

Then of course there was that angry lady in the pub who I remember trying to help that girl who helped me into town my first day. I am a little ashamed at how distressed I got, Mark even had to give me something to calm me down that night after. I suppose I cannot expect myself to be entirely normal all at once though so I shall try not to be so hard on myself.

Macy is sick. I think she has some problem with drugs and Mark is trying to help her. I hope that I can help her too though I’m afraid I am rather silly for thinking that I can help any at all. If I knew the right words to say maybe I could … but I don’t and if I did I probably could not say them anyway.

It is so frustrating being me, with all these clear normal thoughts but I cannot share them with anyone. Someday though. I am determined that someday my voice will be heard again.

Maybe if I could get Mark alone when he is not so busy some day. I am the most at ease with him and sometimes I can forget and just talk a little. Maybe … maybe if the conditions were just right I could start telling him what happened so I can work it out and get better.

Anyway, it is time for me to go to bed and my candle is about to burn out anyway.

Goodnight Dear Diary