Why? Why did I end up back here? My brother probably thinks I’m dead. It’s not like I wanted to leave, but there had to be some hope right? Hope that there was a normal, SAFE place left in the world….yet I was only disappointed once more. I’m still breathing, still alive,  but still I wonder what is the point. No, I’m not ready to die, but why am I still alive?  I thought the ‘mountain’ would have answers, and I almost, ALMOST gave in…yet I”m not a soldier, like the others. I prefer my freedom, MY own will and choices to make it.

I’m still debating on what to say to my brother if and when I find him again. The last time I saw him, he seemed fine especially with his new group of friends and possible boyfriend(s). No, that doesn’t bother me…never has. It would however bother me, if his heart was broken, used, and abused, then I’d have to kill a mother-fucker for hurting him. I guess I just called the kettle black too, huh? I hurt him twice already with my absence, yet he was younger the first time….when I wanted to get away from our Aunt Lynn, but I should’ve stayed. This time it seemed different. I was more confident that he would be okay without me. He has grown, changed in so many good ways, officially a man and not the 8 year old boy from before.  But he doesn’t really need me, and that’s okay. It is something that I can and have accepted. I don’t believe in being a  crutch, or a bubble to suffocate him in or demand that he stays with me 24/7.  He is his own person, as I am.  Maybe I should write him a letter instead:

Dear Ronan,

I’m sorry I left.  Love, Ky.

Yeah, that didn’t work.  I guess we will see what happens when I do see him. There are many things I want to say, and things that are best left in the dark. I will always love him, will always be happy for him and want that for him always, even if that means I am the lone one.