I don’t even know what to say.

I can’t fucking function without him. I’m not sleeping, I’m barely eating. I know I look like shit just based on the looks Eva gives me most of the time, plus the fact that she said it looks like I’m dying…always comforting to hear.

My heart has been ripped out of my chest, how the fuck do you end up just being ok with that??

This place, The Eights, this life…maybe it’s gotten the best of me.

Maybe I have nothing left in me now and I’m just….existing.

I told Eva I would still protect her, and I would protect The Eights, just like I always have. The part I didn’t tell her is that I don’t really have any regard for myself. That I wake up in the middle of the night and wander around with only my knives, I leave my crossbow in the apartment and I just hack the shit out of any walker I see.

The apartment…

Jesus christ…the apartment.

It smells like him. His stuff, is still there, some of his shirts and a pair of pants. We were both going to end up back here together, having his stuff here just makes it seem like he’s gone out for a run again and he’ll be back like he always did.

He always came back…

I shouldn’t be staying in this apartment. I should be taking the landlord’s apartment above the office but I just can’t bring myself to leave the only place that makes me feel safe. The only place that makes me feel like he’s still here.

I’m fucking slipping, I’m slipping hard.

We had a couple new hires at The Eights, I didn’t even really screen them. I just let them start working.

I’m fucking careless, and in doing so I’m not only putting myself in danger but I’m doing the exact opposite of what I told Eva I would still do.

I don’t give two shits about my own safety, but Eva, fuck, she’s been through enough she needs to feel secure behind these gates. So does everyone.

I need to snap out of this, either that or I need to just end it.

I can’t go on like this in this world. I’m a liability.

Either I come back to reality and I start getting my head on straight, or I give up.

Eva asked me today what Therion would want for me. I thought about it for a second but really it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what he or Delphie would have wanted for me, they’re not fucking here.

I am.

I am here and what they would want for my future has nothing to do with anything anymore.

I loved them both, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my whole life. They made me feel like a person.

And now…

Now, I’m just a shell of the person I was with them.

Shells get washed up on the shores..they get cracked and broken and walked on and not really given a second glance most of the time, and sometimes they get taken back into the sea..back into the dark hiding spots and that’s where they stay until someone finds them and thinks they are worth carrying out of that darkness.

That darkness that was there before this all happened, the one that was sneaking up on me…it’s come back much stronger now.

Only this time, I’m not really sure I have the strength or the will to fight it off.