There is so much to say and I’m not sure if I even know how to get it all down.  I imagine this entry is going to be hard to follow, but since I’m probably the only one that will ever read it, does it really matter?

Everyone is gone.

First it was Billy and Thomas. It seems like I lost them years ago now, though I guess it hasn’t even been a year yet.
Amazing that it still hurts to write or even think their names.  They were with me in the beginning.  They saved me really.  I was responsible for keeping Billy alive and Thomas taught me how to survive, so one gave me the will and the other gave me the ability. Will I ever forget their faces? Will they haunt me forever?

It was my fault that I lost them, though I can already hear Thomas chiding me and telling me I couldn’t have known what would happen. That doesn’t change facts. It was my fault.

After they were gone, I swore I’d either make on my own or not at all. I couldn’t go through that again if I had any chance of survival, but I came here to Arklay and I met so many people that I came to depend on, to even care for in my own way. It wasn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I finally felt like maybe, just maybe I was safe. I was wrong.

Jovy, Dil, Slade, John, Amy, Jet, Therion and countless others that came to the Eights for refuge…. they all came in to my life and started chipping away at my ‘bomb’ shelter. Maybe they didn’t even mean to. Maybe they couldn’t have cared if I lived or died, but we formed an end of the world version of a family and I was naive enough to believe it had a chance of lasting. Again, I was wrong.

They are gone now and who knows if I’ll ever even see them again.

I sat up at the Eights for a long time and waited. I watered the garden, swept the courtyard, dusted the office, waited and hoped. One day I just couldn’t take it anymore. The silence. So I started wandering and my wanderings landed me at the diner. Me, the girl with the social skills of a rock, grabbed hold of a business. A business that requires me to speak to others. What was I thinking? If I’m honest with myself, I was thinking I was alone and needed something to keep me from going insane. I can’t handle silence any more and I blame them… the ones who left. So I hunt and cook and clean and scavenge for dishes of all things. Mainly because I need people, as scared of them as I am… of learning to depend on them to be there, I need them. These days maybe that is a weakness that will end up with me dead and walking around looking for something to munch on, but its just the way it is.

The diner is not much, but I’m trying to make it mine. I even have a bit of help from time to time which is good considering there are sometimes I feel the need to run away and hide in the forest. Some days I’m just nearly ready to come apart at the seams and on those days I grab my bow and head out under the guise of restocking the pantry, though that is a necessity too. Other days, and maybe this is crazy, but I feel a sense of peace, of being home again when I’m at my diner. I can, if only for a moment, forget the dark void that I felt sure would consume me. I was so scared before. Scared of being alone. Scared of myself. Having a purpose makes me feel like there is hope and yes I’m afraid of that too. I am afraid to hope for more, afraid to feel safe.

Before the world ended, people still walked in and out of your life all the time, but you at least could feel some comfort that they were out there living an amazing life. Now… well, they are probably dead. Even the strongest of us can be taken down.

I’m back tracking a bit, but I think its necessary.

About the same time I was standing up and getting my self together and making a place at the diner, Jet came back. I was so excited to see her at first when she walked up at that town meeting. I knew from her posture and that haunted look in her eyes that something was terribly wrong, but for a moment I believed maybe I was wrong. Maybe they would all return and things would be ok. Just maybe.

However it wasn’t long before that feeling faded.

Therion died. Though she was still breathing and able to tell the news, it was quite obvious that Jet died too. The woman who once lit up a room with the joy so clearly displayed in his presence was gone. He was obviously her only anchor.

It was an awful reminder of just how fragile life is and I felt so lost. I want more than surviving. I want friends, family, love, warmth, life… but its to easy to lose now. All of nature is against us. Trying to kill us. I find myself wondering if its worth it to even try.

After finding out about Therion, I left. I’m sure it was wrong to leave all I had worked for, but I had to leave. I packed a bag with a few cans of food, a change of clothes, my hatchet and bow, the five bolts I have left, my charcoals, my notebook and walked away intending never to come back. I know his death was a huge blow for her but it hit me in ways I hadn’t imagined. He was strong and sure and had this larger than life aura about him and he was dead.

I traveled about four days south of Arklay before I ended up in another little town which was unfortunately swamped with the dead. I am pretty grateful that they can’t climb as I found myself a safe spot on a low roof top and proceeded to watch them just as a child might watch a string of wandering ants. They were all once living breathing productive people and I couldn’t help but feel my depression take a turn for the worst.

I really thought about throwing myself off that roof and just letting them have me. Who would be left that even cared? At least I wouldn’t be afraid anymore.

So why am I still alive and able to even write all this down? Why didn’t I just go through with it and commit suicide by zombie mauling? Because there is that part of me that still has hope, small as it may be.  I can’t just die.  I have to much fight in me, even on my hardest days.  So it was there sitting on that roof and thinking of flinging myself at them that I decided to live.  Gathered up my stuff and went back home.

The diner was still standing and I even have someone there that I feel I can trust.  Bren works for the ATC, but she’s becoming quite invaluable to me.  Part me wants to scream at her and tell her to run away before she meets the same fate as everyone else that became invaluable to me, but I can’t bring myself to do it.  She’s kind and helpful and can make a mean venison steak.   So I just pray that she stays and I’m not cursed like I think I am.  I’m not sure what happened to Wheels and Dan.  I spent so much time out on my own that maybe they just gave up on me coming back and moved on.  I hope they are ok.

Now I have a new dilemma and his name is Allan.  While out on my last scavenging adventure, I found him wandering in the forest completely out of supplies.  After he drank the last of my water and ate up my last bag of jerky, I’m sure he felt better but I felt increasingly worse.  I don’t know why but I was immediately drawn in by him.  He’s seen more than his fair share of blood, guts and gore I’m sure, you can see it in his eyes, but he just has this easy going nature about him that right now I find completely intoxicating.  I want to run screaming.

Instead I told him all about Arklay and my life there.  Why is it so easy to talk to him?  I told him that he could come back with me if he wanted and I even offered him a job.  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  He’s just going to leave me like everyone else.  He’ll be killed or move on and the sink hole that used to be my heart will more than likely finally engulf whats left of me, but I just couldn’t stop myself.

Am I crazy?