((This is an IC journal for Ary, scraps of paper she scribbles her thoughts on and throws in a pile. Please note that all views and thoughts represented here are Ary’s… not the writers. Immersion, people. Immersion.))

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I hate this.

We probably deserve it though. Look at how we treated each other before. Starvation and hunger in some countries, but we had obesity as one of the biggest killers in others. In a world where people wouldn’t blink about spending a thousand dollars on a pair of shoes, whole families lived in a abject poverty, hardly able to support themselves without ‘help’. And religion. Don’t get me started on that one. The audacity. ‘Your God is better than My God’. Jokes on you all now…. Am I right? The outbreak made sure of that. Nowhere to run.. nowhere to hide. The great equaliser. Even if you escape the walkers, you’ll become one in the end.. sure as eggs. Who’s God won this time? Did your fancy shoes help at all? Trying running when you’re a hundred and fifty kilos. It humbled us all… didn’t it.

Who’s the supremists now?

No… I don’t hate it. I’m just angry. All the time. I’m angry at the World and I feel it every time I look around me. It’s worse when I’m with people. Sometimes they talk and I feel a roaring inside my head .. white noise. That’s what it all is. Like the annoying static you get on the tv or the radio. Especially the clueless ones. I just want to scream and slap them.

I never realised how much my meds helped me. I’d long since forgotten the highs and lows I get. Some days the world is beautiful and I think… ‘I’m alive. We’re alive. We can do this.’ I even find myself gravitating towards people and calling them ‘friends’. But then the ‘black’ comes. I just lie here… not waiting for death to come. That’s not what it is. It’s just that the enormity of actually doing ANYTHING .. it’s overwhelming.. and feels so hard. Those days.. I cry. I miss Mum. She used to just sit with me… we’d sing and tell stories. She’d brush my hair for me… she always made me feel better. Now… I got nuthin. No meds. Mum’s gone. Bruce. Fuck I loved that horse. Sometimes I just shake my head at the futility of it. Why are they gone? And then I look at the people around me and I hate them all. They don’t deserve to be here. Mum did. She was so beautiful..

And I miss her.

Fuck you Universe. Fuck you for forsaking me.

Fuck you for forsaking us all.