((This is a journal entry from my character Jordana. She tends to write things in quite sporadically. Here she’ll be detailing things she feels passionate about, her inner emotions, dark secrets, and maybe some stuff about her mental state as well. Unless someone were to find this journal they would not know any of these things IC. The journal itself is a small black leather notebook with a pen stuck inside it. Her handwriting is in cursive and it looks very neat. The journal’s usually in her backpack, underneath all the other shit in there or in her apartment, lying on her dresser. If anyone wants to RP going through her stuff and finding it, shoot me an IM. I’d be more than happy to help out. She’ll probably shit-talk a LOT of people in here, please don’t take offense OOC. Anyways, I’ll stop rambling and let you read what you came for.))

December 5th, 2015.

Seven days until it’s been a year since this happened. Twenty days until Christmas. Twenty six days until the end of the year. I am not prepared for any of it. I feel… empty. That would be the best way to describe it. I sit in the Dollhouse doing nothing by myself all day. I sit in my apartment doing nothing by myself all day. I don’t see Lina. I rarely see Brett. I have a feeling I will spend these holidays alone as well. I’ve been getting used to it. I feel so useless lately. And I’m plagued by terrible nightmares. That woman’s face. The baby she never got to have. Retta. Perri. Ricky. I could’ve done something to prevent Perri’s death and the woman’s death. I’m not getting any sleep. They’re all I see. I feel like I should’ve died instead of them.

I don’t know why I miss Ricky so much. He was fucking terrible towards me. He exploited me and used me at every opportunity he got. I was so fucking stupid and blind back then. He ended up getting what he deserved. Well, what he deserved in my mind at least. I remember just taking his car after everything went down and driving out of this damn town. I drove for fucking hours. The radio stations were on and off. Some of them were still trying to keep us updated. Some were on a loop recording. Some oblivious ones were still playing music. They slowly turned off one by one. I had to ditch the car eventually. I was alone after that. I feel like I always end up alone. I hate it. I hate never having anybody to fucking rely on. I’ve been real sad lately. I think I might be depressed or something. Maybe it’s just my BPD acting up or something.

All I’ve been doing is listening to the music on my phone. That shit is either hype as fuck or relaxing as hell. Thank God I kept my phone. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I mean it. I’m so glad I never got rid of it. At first it was just me being hopeful. Thinking maybe somehow one day I’d get a text, or a phone call, and have a fucking heart attack over it. I’ve given up on that thought, but it’s still nice to have all my music.

I talked with Brett. Things between us are better, I guess. He tried. I know he did. I know he wants to be what I want, but he can’t. I won’t make him be that person. He’d just be unhappy and I don’t want that. Of course I’m sad about it but I can’t fix it. No point in getting upset over it. Maybe one day if things change, or he changes his mind on the subject. For now it’s whatever. Regardless, I still care about him and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. We’re friends and that’s good enough for me.

Speaking of friends, I haven’t seen Lina in…. forever. I know she’s okay, but I just miss her. Feels like it’s been weeks since I’ve seen her. I’m just worried is all.

I’m thinking about cutting my hair. I cut about an inch off a week ago, but I’m not sure whether I want to cut even shorter, or let it grow long as fuck again. I’ve been growing it for 6 or 7 years now. Maybe it’s time for a change. I love it, but damn it’s a mess to deal with. Whatever. I’ll decide later.

Love, Jasmine.