I feel primarily two things.

Fear and Nothing.

I suppose it might then be more correct to say that I feel one thing. But in truth, that would not be correct.

Nothing is a tangible thing. A cold thing. Sometimes it is painful like an ache and sometimes it is freezing to the bone. Nothing.

Fear comes in many shapes and sizes. It comes in the form of distrust most sharply. I see faces, faces of people I used to know, used to call my friends. People I used to be willing to die for.

Now I see suspicion, danger, a threat .. it see it with everyone, but for some reason … the faces I once knew … they are the worst.

Fear has another shape for me. It takes this shape more rarely, but for all its infrequency it is the more powerful and terrible of the two. This second shape is Panic.

Panic shows up at the strangest times. And it is often unrelated to whatever is happening at the time. The other day when I stole that water, panic came, but somehow it did not really have anything to do with the fact that I might get killed over a stupid water. It showed up again after I called for … help to keep her safe … but it had nothing to do with fearing being caught or killed, and nothing to do with V following me.

It is like some remnant of that part that Tsume carved out of me is screaming.

I do no understand it. I’ve tried, but like so many things … it just slips away beyond my reach.

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So then.

If all there is now is fear or nothing … what then was it that drove me to that rooftop?

Why did I go? And why did I call for help when I thought … she … might be in danger? It makes no sense. The question keeps swirling around and around in my head.

Why …. Why …. W….. (Writing fades into unintelligible scratches pressed so hard into the page that there are permanent indentations)