Dear Diary

I did not get a chance to write yesterday. There was quite a lot going on and it just rather slipped my mind. I suppose then that I have a bit of catching up to do as now I have to write about Thursday as well as Friday to make sure I do not forget anything.

Okay.

On Thursday I was still incredibly exhausted when I woke up, first of all from the break down that got me into the clinic in the first place, and secondly from the lack of sleep still and the hunger. (The chicken scratch on the entry I made on Wednesday or early Thursday morning is a good indicator.)

I think I was the most tired and most weak that I have ever been. So much that at first I could hardly even sit up. Ben came in to sweep and he told me to just lay on back down  and I did because holding myself was just so much work. Ben was very nice and we talked a little bit. He did a bit more then me of course and I have come to the conclusion that we are a bit alike in the … not feeling safe to express our thoughts department. He doesn’t think so but I think so!

He pretends to be gruff. But I think he’s nice and that that gruffness is a protection just like my freaking out is.

Then I met a new guy named Cobb who I also talked too … if my talking could really be called making conversation at all which is doubtful. He said I needed new clothes. Threads he called them and to be entirely honest I think that is a more fitting description for the state my clothing is in just now.

Mark came then and now we’re getting to the most important part of Thursday. He checked me over and my chart and made sure things were going all right and then he kept bringing up food. Saying that I needed food to get better. But I knew that. I had known that for a while … but he didn’t know that I can’t eat. Or couldn’t eat. So Mark had food brought and just like I knew it would the same thing that always happens happened and try as I could after a few bites I just couldn’t eat more as my body took over like it always did.

But Mark knew just what to do. He gave me a medicine that made me all calm in side. Not perfectly, but it was like that second voice I talked about before, was made a lot quieter and softer so that the Me voice could get through. It was like .. well .. like someone had opened up a window in my prison. Granted that window is still on the other side of the bars. But it’s like hope .. that someday I’ll be able to get past these bars and out that window. But until then I will just try to be patient and content for those brief glimpses of sunshine through that window.

After I ate I was just so very tired that I curled right up and went to sleep. And I slept so … so .. so very well. Straight through till the morning or almost afternoon. It was amazing! I don’t think I have slept that good since the outbreak let alone since .. well … I’ll leave writing that stuff for when I’m medicated or am better enough so that I won’t have a panic attack or something. I am trying to avoid those.

Okay. Now on to yesterday. I just had to take a break and let my hands rest because they were getting all cramped from all the writing.

I woke up after my wonderful sleep with a stomach ache which is probably the least I should expect after eating so much .. well much compared to my normal diet. The nurses were busy and a bedpan just seemed too very humiliating to me so I gathered myself up and started for the bathroom .. which was not the brightest idea perhaps but I made my way most of the way there without incident.

Some poor man came out of the stairwell and knocked me over which was understandable. Accidents do happen, but I of course freaked out in my way. I felt and still feel rather terrible about it. It wasn’t his fault that I am generally a basket case except when medicated. I hope that perhaps one day I will see him and be able to apologize because I think I made him feel badly too.

Mark came though and he helped me back up and to the bathroom and back to bed. I had not expected walking to be so tiring. Even compared to my normal tired and wobbly self, I still felt decidedly off.

Mark was very understanding and walked very slowly with me.

And then came the food again. I really did try to eat without the medicine, but I expect I really should not have been so disappointed. As Mark aptly said, Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither are brain’s mended in that time.

Some meds later and I was able to eat again, that light just shining brightly through my window. Honestly I could not stay sad with that there.

Mark started asking me some questions when I was done eating and .. well .. I did not want to answer them. But it occurred to me that if I didn’t use the freedom afforded to me by the medicine what good was it? The light was streaming through my window and if I just turned my face to the corner or covered my eyes that would be such a waste right? So .. I told him .. some. A few words, not much .. and Mark did not push me. But a did manage Some.

After that Mark and I walked up and down the ward one time for more exercise and for the first time in a while I remembered dancing and the long hard practices that sometimes just left me aching to rest. It felt a bit like that. Only I was a bit more wobbly I think.

Then Mark gave me an orange soda and it was very good!

Poor Mark even looked tired when he left me. I have a great deal to thank him for and I shall try to work very very hard and get better so he doesn’t have to work so hard for me.

I slept pretty good again. But I think the dose was lighter because sometime in the middle of the night I woke up and flipped right out because of a dream. The nurse gave me another pill though and that just dropped me right off again until I woke up just before now.

Well. That mostly sums it up. There were some disheartening things but I really really think that yesterday was one of the best, most wonderful, good days that I have had in a very long time.

Good Morning Dear Diary