Thayer: #3

“And all I wanted is breaking me apart,” I said to the thing I once was.

I don’t like writing, it makes me think too much, think too much and remember. I don’t like remembering things cause then… then you remember. Don’t start with me, I know that sounds redundant, I’m not stupid. But it all comes out like a broken dam, spilling thoughts onto parchment that’s just waiting to be burned, my mouth is a fountain of accelerant, I’m looking for a match. It’s just- for the life of me, I can’t seem to get caught on fire. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, all I want to do is burn away. It’s not fair to the people who are dead.

If, if you could be happy, and not know about the pain it would cause others, would you still choose it? I can’t make the same mistake again, I know that. I can’t leave her, or any of them and isn’t that the real tragedy? The more you give- reach out, that harder it is to be free from it all. I can’t say I ever wanted to have this addiction (I’m a fucking loser) but it makes things worthwhile.

Ameil, Princess, Ben, Macy, Charlie, Rylie, Dakota… They make me happy too, these people… you know they all have this sort of float about them. Like nothing can get them down. I know Macy has had a hard time, but that’s my fault. I was too stuck in my own head to notice, too focused on getting water and food- stupid, I have the supplies, now what? There is a point when I hear my dad’s voice come in, “being a man is standing up for what you believe in and taking care of the ones you love.” I’m trying. I’m sorry, 20 some odd years and I can’t get my shit together, just like before.

One more. Maybe this one will be the blue one.

I’ve been going out with Ameil at night. I think it wouldn’t hurt her if she smiled around me more, but I think I just bring her down, maybe she remembers too much too. Too much when I’m around. She’s more sentimental than people think. I’ve let her down. There has to be a way to undo what I did. I just need another chance but why would she ever want to give that to me? I can’t even get enough supplies for the shelter.

Can’t worry about it- gotta keep trying. Gotta…

It feels better when I give up. It’s hurting her. Princess doesn’t judge me.

“Oh, there’s an island where all things are silent.” And the voices I hear are chattering near, their faces are broken and cold. “I’m on a river that winds on forever,” A monotonous dream that unfolds, into a nightmare of flavors, and why do I always feel so alone?

Maybe it’s the rain, but I feel cold a lot, inside. I think there is something wrong with me spiritually. Reality is harsh, I need more pills just to calm down enough to meditate.

Thanks for being paper to write on. I kind of hope someone reads this. I don’t like who Ameil needs me to be, but I owe the world a debt I can’t pay back. I can’t be selfish in these times. Need to get more supplies.

PS: I rubbed my belly while bathing and my leg kicked. Note to self: Make more human friends and stop eating the kibble people don’t want and keep giving me.