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I miss gum. Whenever I used to get stressed about something, I’d chew gum. But do I have any? Nope. And fuck if I can’t find some cigarettes that aren’t stale as hell. Maybe I’ll stop by Sour Diesel and see what they’ve got. They’re a smoke shop after all, right? Of course, I’d be happy for a joint. Probably happier for a joint, but I still need a new pack of cigs…

Random rambling aside, I don’t really know what to make of life lately, it seems to just be throwing me one random curve ball after another. Sometimes it feels like I’m on an episode of Days of our Lives. When we first got here I kinda had a thing for one of Coach’s bouncers. Well, that went over like a lead balloon when he told me in no uncertain times that he owned me. I was alright with the fact that he was really forward. Hell, I kinda even liked it. Not like I’m not used to guys grabbing at me or touching me from my days working in Vegas. But owning me? I didn’t sign up for that, and even though I tend to not admit it to myself, I know I don’t always know how to say “no” very well. I clam up. It’s what left me in the last abusive relationship I was in before the world went to shit. Ironically, his name was Dominick too, though from looking at the employee list at Coach’s they’re not spelled the same… but still. Maybe I should just stay away from guys named Dominick or “Dom”. Cas would probably be happier if I did, anyway.

So, that didn’t go anywhere. Then I met Jade. Or maybe I met her first? Hell if I can remember. It’s been an insane week. I’m not usually really into girls, always been way more attracted to guys, and as cliche as it sounds, I like the thought of being with someone who could protect me if it came down to it. I know, it’s like a stone age mentality of men being stronger than women, but that’s still how I like it. While all these other women out there were burning their bras and screaming about female equality, I was enjoying getting pinned against a wall or plucked up like it was effortless. Sue me for loving knowing that I’m involved with someone who can take care of business if it comes down to it. But Jade? She’s that 1%. She’s sweet, and beautiful, and I have that damn Katy Perry song stuck in my head every fucking time I see her, because I could kiss those lips ’till the cows come home. Too bad the only time I’ve ever kissed her was when Amber came out. Or rather, Amber kissed me. Fuck this split personality shit. I know it’s more like a disorder of some sort, from how Cas described it to me, but still. The point is, the girl I want? That’s not always the girl that is out to play, or in Amber’s case, fuck up the world.

Yesterday I had a conversation with Donovan, who I just… I can’t get enough of him now. He’s the only thing that makes any sense in this world, aside from my brother. Seriously. Everyone seems to hate or mistrust him, but the truth of the matter is, they just don’t understand him or what he’s about. He’s a good guy. Well, he’s not a “good” guy, he’d tell you that himself, but who is any more? He’s good to those he cares about though. He’s trying to do right by his family. I won’t lie, I was pretty terrified of him after I shot Raevan, but now that things have shifted with he and I? I get it. We had our talk. He explained everything. I’ve met more of his family. They’re good people. They’re LOYAL people. Helluva lot more than I can say for other people who are all out for themselves.

Been a lot of rumors going around about people trying to fuck Don and the Dollhouse up. I’m not about that. He doesn’t deserve that. But I guess everyone wants an antagonist right? Everyone needs their monster to hate, and they have made him their monster. Doesn’t help that jealousy has sparked a lot of rumors on this island. I know I’ve said it – or written it anyway – but sometimes I think life was easier out on the road when it was just Cas and I. Even when we didn’t know what our next meal would be, or when it’d be, or if we’d live through the night, it was simpler. The second you start involving living people? Fuck. So. Much. Goddamn. Drama. So now I find myself a little torn, because I’m absolutely loyal to Coach’s, but Don’s family? Well I’m a part of it now. It was my choice. I respect them. Not so great grounds for me to be on I think. Got one foot in one door where Marcus, the same boss I stuck my neck out for, doesn’t seem to like or trust Donovan, and my other foot in the other door with Donovan. Why do I have a feeling that a some point, one of them is going to make me choose? I don’t know what I’m going to do then. Coach’s is my family, but so is my family. Hell…

Then if all that wasn’t enough? Today I got to work and it wasn’t Jade out, it was Amber. I’ve never actually interacted that much with Amber before. Only caught a glimpse of her at the Dollhouse the other night when she took Jade over, and that was brief right before she stormed out. But today? She’s kissing me, flirting with me, giving me looks that I swear were undressing me with her eyes. Loved it, but Amber’s not into me, she’s into my brother. Then she lost her goddamn mind at a customer who came in. Name was Jack. Jack works at the Dollhouse, and as soon as that came up, hell if the world didn’t end!! There was yelling, screaming, the tearing of Jade’s beautiful hair, and then a shot glass that she threw against the door. And THEN, because seriously that wasn’t enough, she decided to tell this new hire… Sophia… that she was willing to pay for her to spy on Donovan. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Yet she tempered it with a “just kidding! I would never!”


Lying to me is the fastest way to get yourself a one-way ticket the fuck out of my life, and if she thinks I’m not going to have a chat with my brother about her little episode, she’s got another thing coming. I don’t need him sticking his dick in crazy. He’s a good guy. He doesn’t deserve that. I don’t know if I can trust Amber. I don’t know if I can fix this. I asked Donovan to give me a week because I thought Amber legitimately cared about my brother, and that maybe everything I’d been told about her wasn’t as bad as it sounded. That’s true. It wasn’t. It’s worse. Much worse. I’m pretty sure that people saying Amber only cares about herself is spot on. Just wasn’t the brightest move to talk about the things she did right in front of me.

So I guess, like Donovan, I feel like Jade is gone. Amber is killing her, and she’s not fighting back hard enough. I’m not the sort to doubt. It actually really upsets me that I’m feeling doubt, and I’m feeling like Amber is using Cas and I for her own little petty revenge plot. She’s not above hurting Jade. I mean, she tore at her hair!! I went hunting to blow off some steam from all of this when I walked out on her earlier. Hopefully I didn’t get bitten. I don’t think I did, but there is so… much… blood.

I need a drink.
…no… I need a bottle.

What am I going to do?