Hey there friend… been awhile since I’ve sat down with my book.  MY book, not just something to read… Funny to think that one day my treasured little heap of papers will turn into someone elses asswipe papers.  I wonder if people will even be able to read shit like this in another fifty years.

I wonder if there will even be people in another fifty years.

I didn’t think I was gonna make it a few weeks ago.  I stayed so sick I couldn’t keep anything down, hell water was a straight up waste on me.  I finally sucked it up and went to the hospital.  The gal there, Kay, set me up on some antibiotics.  I’m still not real clear on what I had to start with but after some tests I found out what I’ve been left with.

Truth be known, it scares the crap out of me.  I’ve been mulling it over in my head for almost a week now, maybe more I duno… and I’ve been looking at the world all around us and… I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be…  To be…

I took over the trading company soon as I got out of the hospital.  I guess hearing what they had to say about me, sorta put shit into perspective.  I don’t have time to dance around the fact that Abel aint comin back and everyone else that had been here with him seems to be gone too.  It’s a damned good operation in the right hands… mine I hope.  So far I’ve peddled out a few guns, a shit ton of fish.  Bought some stuff in good faith that I’ll bring back some customers in the process.

I asked Daniel if he wouldn’t do security for me.  A no questions asked sorta deal.  He does what he’ll do, and I turn a blind eye to anything a too ‘risk-ay’ while he works with Conrad and anyone else he finds tough enough to make the cut to do mainland runs.  Partnership made in hell likely but I hardly see the point in trying to make an enemy of someone like him.  I keep hearing that he’s a real asshole on some of the other businesses, but for me he’s actually been alright.  Helped me out when I needed a hand up, even kept Franc from trying to throw me the D.  Far as I know he cut Franc loose because he tried to kill me too.  That has to count for something right?  He can’t be all bad…  I don’t think he’s so bad.

So why does it scare me… the idea of telling him that I’m pregnant??? Shouldn’t that be something I need to share with him?  I  mean it’s not like we’re in love.  Shit just happens sometimes.

I never see babies.  I never see kids.  What if this little parasite kills me?  Or what if I die and it lives and then it dies, because I died.

I think I’m gonna be sick.