March 14th, 2017

It’s been over 60 days since we arrived on this island. I’ve lost count already. Our Anniversary was on Sunday. I almost didn’t realize it was already March 12, it’s hard to keep track of the days. Jaxon wanted to do a big dinner, so we went hunting that morning, but came home empty handed. He was contemplating trading in some of our seeds for food, but I convinced him not to. We’re almost out and I just want to plant what we have and make our own food. We had some cans of chili beans we were saving for a special occasion, so I cooked those on the wood stove. If only we had bread it would’ve been a very nice meal. Jaxon seemed grumpy he couldn’t do more, but I told him all I need is him.

Hunting and scavenging hasn’t been going well, I think we’ve extracted as many resources that we can from this place, at least for the time being. Jaxon took a job at the general store, where he will be paid a few dollars a week, and we can use that to buy supplies in town. I took a job in the diner, cooking, I figured it could help and plus I’ve always loved and enjoyed cooking. Though nowadays it’s nothing like it used to be. It’s a bad time to live in for a foodie like myself.

A few days ago I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, all the time I feel so sweaty and gross, it wasn’t a surprise to see I looked how I felt. I stared at my reflection a long time and I wondered how much different would Claire had grown up to be. I wish I could see her so badly sometimes, that I feel physical pain. When we were out at Morro Bay I thought a lot about Mom and Dad, Jake and Tiny, I wondered what happened to them and if they were alive or not. I didn’t think I could experience greater loss and uncertainty till the day I lost Claire. I wonder if this is how Mom and Dad feel thinking about me? Maybe they know the fate of Jake or Tiny. I guess I’ll never find out.

I know it’s selfish to retreat into my mind sometimes, but it’s just easier to do that than to face things. At least we keep ourselves busy during the day, especially with the farmhouse, there’s always something to do, something to clean, a fence to reinforce, something to plant or fix or make better. It’s the nighttime I fear, when everything goes quiet and I only have my thoughts to keep company… I want to find more books to read. I wonder if we could trade/make enough to buy an instrument? A guitar, a piano, something. It seems like such a superfluous thing to want, I haven’t even told Jaxon because I am a little embarrassed by my desire to play a little music again. Maybe someday I can sing again. That would be nice.